This Saturday I worked at my part-time job as a bather at a groomer’s shop. Normally I take my Bernese Mountain Dog, Emerson, when I work at the groomer’s, but he recently had a tumor removed and still has sutures from the surgery so he’s on house arrest at the moment. So my Saint Bernard, Selby got to come along instead.
Lately I’ve been sharing some of my more amusing animal-related stories on Facebook in a style borrowed from Wil Wheaton. All day at work I kept a tally of stories I’d like to share on Facebook, but didn’t have time to put them up during the day. By the time the day was over, I had several of them to share so rather than spam all my unwitting Facebook friends with a bunch of updates at once, I decided to make a blog out of them instead. Enjoy:
Selby: Hi Mama! What are you doing with that leash?
Me: I’m going to work at the groomer now. Would you like to come with me?
Selby: Really?! That would be great! I love going to the groomer with you, but I almost never get to go! Are we going in the van? I love riding in the van!
Me: No, we’re taking the car today.
Selby: The car? I love riding in the car! Can I sit in the front seat?
Me: No, you’re too big. You’ll have to sit in the back.
Selby: *sigh* Ok. But I will make you regret it by sticking my nose out your window from behind your seat and drooling on your shoulder while you drive.
Me: *sigh* Ok.
[Later, at the groomer]
Diane: Hi Kari! Hi Selby! Nice to see you!
Scouty: Hi Selby! Let’s play! I like to play!
Selby: Okay let’s play!
Bandit: Grrrr. You guys are too noisy. STOP HAVING FUN THIS INSTANT!
Customer: Good morning! I’ve brought my dog in for his haircut.
Dog: OMG DAD PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME GO IN THERE! I HATE THE GROOMER!
Customer: It’s ok, they’ll get you all cleaned up so you won’t be so hot anymore!
Dog: Ok fine, I’ll go in.
Selby: WOW it’s another dog! I haven’t seen another dog since Scouty and Bandit came in 5 minutes ago! HI DOG!!
Dog: Um… hi. You’re weird.
Customer: Ok, I’ll see you later!
Dog: Wait a minute… where are you going? OMG DAD PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME HERE ALL ALONE WITH THIS WEIRD DOG!! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD [Customer leaves] Oh well. I guess I’ll just have a nap.
Teah: Hi everyone! Oooh, I love Saint Bernards. Selby you are a pretty dog!
Selby: Thank you! As a reward for your kind words, you may scratch my belly.
Teah: I’d be delighted to scratch your belly.
Selby: Of course you would. Everyone loves to scratch my belly. A little to the left.
Selby: Hi Mama, what are you doing?
Me: I’m holding this cat still so Teah can shave off its matted fur.
Selby: Oh I see. Hi Cat! We have cats at home too. You don’t smell like our cats!
Cat: I don’t like dogs.
Selby: Why not? Our cats at home don’t mind dogs. You should give dogs a chance.
Cat: IF YOU DON’T GET OUT OF MY FACE, I AM GOING TO BITE OFF YOUR NOSE!
Selby: Ooookaaaaaaaaayyyyy. Maybe I’ll just go sit over here for a while.
Dog: Hi Kari. What do you have in your hand there?
Me: It’s a nail trimmer.
Dog: I see. And what are you going to do with it?
Me: Trim your toenails.
Dog: TRIM MY TOENAILS? OMG THAT’S GOING TO HURT! I MIGHT DIE! PLEASE DON’T… oh, was that it?
Me: Yes. That wasn’t so bad, was it?
Dog: No I guess not. Wait, what are you doing now?
Me: I’m going to trim the nails on your other foot.
Dog: OMG THAT’S GOING TO HURT! I MIGHT DIE! PLEASE DON’T TRIM MY TOENAILS!
Me: I thought we just established that it wasn’t so bad.
Dog: That was a different foot.
Me: Okay Selby, I’m all done with work now. Let’s get you ready for summer by cutting your toenails and trimming the thick fur on the back of your legs.
Selby: Thanks Mama! You’re the best. That feels so much better!
Me: You’re welcome! Now hop in the tub Selby.
Selby: ARE YOU NUTS? That’s where you put dogs to give them baths.
Me: Yes. It’s time for your bath.
Selby: Baths mean water. I don’t like to get wet. I’m just going to lie down here instead.
Teah: Would you like some help lifting her into the tub?
Me: That would be great. One-two-three-lift. Thank you!
Selby: *sigh* Alright fine. You can give me a bath, but I will stand here and look pathetic until you’re done. That will teach you a lesson.
Selby: We’re home! Yay! I love home! Oh look it’s Papa! I haven’t seen him in 8 hours. That’s almost practically FOREVER! PAPA I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Ian: Hi Selby! Did you have a good time at the groomer?
Selby: YES! I got to play with dogs and have a nap and drink out of the toilet and look at me I smell good and my ears are clean and I’m shiny and pretty and my toes don’t click on the floor when I walk anymore! Yay! I love going to the groomer!