Soon I will have the strongest nose in the upper midwest

16 Apr

[Note to reader – I actually wrote this blog over a month ago but apparently forgot to change it from “Local Draft” to “Publish”. I’m pretty pleased with it though so I think it would be a shame for it to sit in my draft folder collecting dust. Even though I have long since recovered from the cold-like thing, I’m going to post this anyway.]

I have been battling some kind of cold-like thing for about a week. My colds tend to follow a predictable pattern: I go to bed one night feeling thirsty, wake up in the middle of the night with cotton mouth, drink a huge glass of water and go back to bed, then wake up with a sore throat; after a day or two of the sore throat, I develop itchy eyes and a runny nose, then I get a cough and the nose gets better, then I lose my voice, then I get better. Usually when I lose my voice that’s when other people realize I’m sick but the truth is by the time I lose my voice, I am already almost over whatever it was that made me sick.

This illness though did not stick to the formula. I didn’t really get a cough until I started to lose my voice, but then when my voice came back, the cough got worse. This morning when I woke up I took a deep breath and then heard a really weird gurgly bubbly sort of noise coming from my chest during that moment between inhaling and exhaling when I wasn’t actively breathing. I don’t normally go to the doctor for something ordinary like a cold, but I draw the line at independent gurgling noises in my lungs.

When I arrived at the clinic I donned one of those super-sexy face masks all the signs say you should wear if you are coughing and parked myself in the lobby near a small group of elderly people discussing CEO’s multi-million dollar salaries and whether or not it would be possible to spend all that money. [For the record, I side with the lady who said “Ohhhh I would find a way to spend it.”]

When the nurse came out to collect me she said “Wow you’re the first person in a long time who’s actually worn the mask. THANK YOU!” I was like “You’re welcome. I will gladly accept monetary awards.” And she pretended not to hear because she was putting a thermometer in my ear and queuing up the Scale of Shame.

I’m not inviting you into the exam room with me though so we’ll skip right to the diagnosis. I do not have hantavirus or tuberculosis or even pneumonia. It’s just That Thing That’s Going Around, except this time I have some inflammation in my right nasal passage which is why I only have to blow my nose on one side, and why my right eyeball feels like it no longer fits properly in my skull. To correct this, the doctor prescribed a steroid-based nasal spray which she says will bring down the inflammation.

I just hope it doesn’t make my nose-hairs grow or bulk up my facial muscles like Schwarzenegger.**

** For those who may be worried, my nose hairs did not grow any more than usual and my facial muscles are flabby as ever, so no cause for alarm. Also the steroid spray worked its magic after only 2 days of treatment and I am all better now. Three cheers for The Juice!

1 Comment

Posted by on April 16, 2012 in Life in General, Schadenfreude for you


Tags: , , , , ,

One response to “Soon I will have the strongest nose in the upper midwest

  1. mareserinitatis

    April 17, 2012 at 9:27 am

    Glad it helped. I will note, however, that you should not use this remedy in a desert (as I did) or you’re likely to end up with a full-blown sinus infection. 😛 (The plane ride back was a complete blast…at least that’s all my ears did.)


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