So I was driving home with my daughter chit-chatting about this and that, when I felt a bit of a ticklish itch on the right side of my neck, just below my ear. Like people do, I reached up to scratch the itch and felt a piece of dirt or something there and was like “gross” so I picked it off. And then I looked down at my hand to see what it was and it was a tick. A MOTHER-EFFING TICK! In my mother-effing van! ON MY MOTHER-EFFING NECK!
Naturally, I screamed. Then I tried to squish it on the armrest and it just started crawling away and that’s when I remembered you can’t squish a tick on a squishy foamy-plastic armrest because ticks have hard shells. So I asked my daughter to find me a napkin or a kleenex or something, but we didn’t have any and the only thing we could find was an ATM receipt so I grabbed it and smushed it on the tick. But the tick just grabbed on to the receipt and started crawling in it instead of the armrest. So I rolled down the window and tried to shake the tick off into the air but it just hung on with its sticky little feet and refused to let go. I was just about to just toss the receipt out onto the street even though I absolutely despise littering because the nasty little thing was starting to crawl back towards my hand! Just before I let go of the receipt I managed to shake the tick off into the air. *DEEP BREATH*
And as soon as I got home I went straight to my room and changed clothes and checked all over to make sure I didn’t have any more little hitchhikers. And then I put on my pajamas because I effing deserve it after that ordeal.
And now absolutely every little itch makes me freak out because I’m pretty sure there are ticks crawling ALL OVER ME. There might even be one in my ear right now because my ear itches. Excuse me, I have to go take a bath in rubbing alcohol and then change my clothes again.