How I survived the Poopocalypse.

27 Dec

Last Tuesday, I had a colonoscopy. Just for fun, I decided to document my adventure by randomly journalizing my experience before and after the procedure. Originally, I wasn’t going to blog it, but I decided it’s important scientific knowledge that must be shared so everyone can learn.

2:45AM Why did I just wake up and what’s that smell? Oh great. Emerson* had explosive diarrhea on the bedroom floor. AGAIN. Why didn’t he wake me up to take him outside? I can’t help but think this is some kind of dark foreshadowing.

3:20AM Also, I’m exhausted. I literally dozed off several times while trying to clean up the mess.

6:56AM What’s that noise? Oh, alarm. *snooze*

7:01AM Alarm again already?! *snooze* (Again) [Etc.]

7:16AM Alright alright alright, I’ll get up. Reluctantly. And wake up the kids.

7:30AM Kids are up and I’m ready to go. Heading out the door.

7:32AM Crap. I forgot the eggs I made for my breakfast. Normally I would just have oatmeal at work (which I keep in my desk for exactly this purpose), but I can’t have oatmeal since I am on the strict no fiber menu today. I have to go back in the house and get the eggs.

7:35AM Okay time to go. Wait, where are my keys?! I probably forgot my keys in the house when I went back for the eggs. Damn.

7:36AM Damn and blast. They’re not in the house. Ian gave me a spare key which looked somewhat like the right shape for the car. It wasn’t. In desperation, I dumped my entire purse on the backseat. The little bastards were totally in there the whole time.

7:40AM Drove son to school. His first class starts AT 07:40 so he was late. Damn.

7:55AM At least I made it to work on time.

8:02AM I am sooooo tiiiiiiirrrrreeeeed. I need a Mountain Dew.

8:15AM Tired again. That didn’t last long. I wish I could have another but I should really drink more water.

10:40AM I have already consumed the required 64 ounces of water, and I am still hungry. And tired.

11:30AM Going home for lunch. I really really hope Emerson didn’t poop in the house again.

11:40AM Yay! No poop!

11:50AM Two hard-boiled eggs and a cup of pudding is NOT a satisfactory lunch. I can’t believe that’s the last solid food I get to eat until tomorrow.

12:30PM Got back to work and just realized I forgot my purse at home. Damn.

1:00PM I need a snack. *opens snack drawer* Oh crap, I can’t have a snack. I have a desk drawer full of delicious snacks that I can’t eat. This sucks.

3:00PM I am so hungry I can’t even concentrate on work. A guy just called to ask me about an account change form he’d sent, and I could not find the company in the database. I tried searching three different ways but it didn’t come up. The guy was super confused because this company has been a client for years, and they just sent us a file last week. I was just about to give up, and suddenly I found it. I would not be surprised to learn I made a record number of mistakes today.

5:00PM I don’t want to go home because I will have to make dinner for the kids to eat and all I get is chicken broth.

7:00PM OMG THIS CHICKEN BROTH IS THE MOST DELICIOUS THING I HAVE EVER TASTED. It’s possible I might be slightly overreacting due to hunger.

8:40PM So now I have to drink 1/2 gallon of a laxative electrolyte solution called Golytely. No really, that’s what it’s called.

8:43PM This isn’t so bad.

9:00PM I was very, very wrong. This is so bad. SO SO BAD.

“Time for a word problem kids:
If Kari has to drink 64 ounces of an electrolyte solution at a rate of 8 ounces per ten minutes, how long will it be before Kari is sick of drinking electrolytes and just wants a frappuccino and a damn cookie for crying out loud?”**

10:00PM I don’t think I’m EVER going to finish drinking this.

10:38PM I sooo want to go to bed but I still have 30 ounces to drink. It’s much harder than I thought to drink 1/2 gallon of liquid.

11:00PM I finally finished drinking but I can’t go to bed because I just finished drinking 1/2 a gallon of laxative prep solution. As you can imagine, this has had exactly the intended effect.

11:11PM This whole event reminds me of a chapter from Jenny Lawson’s book “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened.” I don’t want to spoil it for you so you should just read it. Pay particular attention to the chapter titled “The Psychopath on the Other Side of the Bathroom Door.”

11:30PM I think it’s safe to go to bed. Too bad I have to get up again in two hours.

2:00AM Time to drink the other 1/2 gallon of electrolytes. I put this pitcher in the fridge before I went to bed, thinking it would be easier to drink if it were cold. Turns out I was wrong. It’s still gross.

2:30AM I just fell asleep sitting up, with a cup of Golytely in my hand, and I didn’t even spill it! I deserve some kind of medal for that.

4:30AM Who decided it was a good idea to make people wake up at 2am and drink electrolytes before a 7am colonoscopy? That person is totally on my List of Mortal Enemies. Also if anyone ever suggests I do a colon cleanse for any reason other than because my doctor said I need to have a colonoscopy, I am going to punch that person in the kidney. Only two cups left. Why are the last two the hardest to finish?

5:00AM I should be done by now. Why am I still drinking this stuff? Oh yeah, because I keep falling asleep.

5:27AM For effs sake I have to go to the clinic in less than two hours and I just finished the prep. If they make me reschedule because I didn’t finish the prep soon enough, I am going to lose my sh-t.*** I am not going through this again.

7:13AM Observed a guy snoring loudly in the waiting area. So jealous of that guy. Also, I don’t know what crappy food they’re cooking down the hall but it smells effing delicious.

“Sign outside Endoscopy waiting area says “No food allowed”. Damn right; I would not hesitate to knife you for that donut. #starving”

7:20AM Seriously, I would consider eating dog food at this point.

7:45AMish**** The nurse hooked me up to sensors and tried to give me an IV catheter but can’t find the vein in my wrist. I guess it’s shy. She gently suggested I try not to clench up my hand. I resisted the urge to point out that I have put IV catheters into much smaller veins on much smaller animals which were trying to claw me to shreds at the time, and she should consider herself lucky that I’m not trying to bite her. She managed to get the IV into a different vein (without getting bitten) and wheeled me into the procedure room.

8:00AMish The doctor introduced himself and explained the procedure. He asked why my doctor requested the colonoscopy. Dr. Colonoscopy said sometimes people who have had their gall bladders removed (as I have) can have chronic digestive issues like mine, and there are medications which can manage that. I can’t help thinking that would have been nice to know BEFORE I deprived myself of solid food for nearly 24 hours but remember that we were also concerned about the headaches so I forgive my doctor for not mentioning it.

8:15AMish The nurse gave me the first IV injection, which was Fentanyl. The second one was a drug whose name I don’t remember. Versed(?) I think. She says I’ll probably start to feel the effects pretty quickly; before she finished her sentence my vision was already getting blurry.

8:45AMish The next thing I remember is a nurse gently waking me in the recovery room. I slept through the whole thing. She offered me a can of Coke which I sipped through a tiny little bendy straw like a six-year-old. It was delicious.

9:15AM The nurse tried to call Ian to come and get me but he didn’t answer. I’m guessing he fell back asleep after driving me to the clinic this morning. I gave her my dad’s number and fell asleep again.

9:30AM My dad picked me up instead. I was still tired, but since we had time, we drove by a few used car lots to see if anyone has a decent used car that ticks all the boxes on my list. Spoiler alert: they don’t.

Later that evening I was helping Stephen with his homework and had to look something up on my phone. So I picked up my phone to type into the browser. Then Stephen poked me in the arm. “Um. You were in the middle of typing something and then you started snoring.” Now I understand why the doctors said I was not allowed to drive or work after the procedure. Clearly that sedative can sneak up on you at any time, even hours later.

The next day I got up on time, got the kids ready for school, fed the dogs, let them out, and left for work with plenty of time to stop at Starbucks for a birthday cake pop and an egg nog latte and still got to work five minutes early. Then about 30 minutes after I got to work, I looked down and saw I was still wearing the sweatpants I wore to bed last night. That’s right friends, I completely forgot to change my pants in the morning. Thank goodness I wore those sweatpants to bed. It would have been a really cold commute without any pants. Also I probably would have gotten some looks at Starbucks.

* If you don’t know me or read my other blog, you might be slightly confused by this statement. Emerson is my dog, not my husband.

** Answer: This is a trick question. Kari wanted a damn cookie before she even started drinking the electrolytes.

*** Pun intended.

**** Exact times are a bit fuzzy from here because I had to turn off my phone so I couldn’t keep active notes.


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4 responses to “How I survived the Poopocalypse.

  1. jeneralinsanity

    December 28, 2012 at 6:51 pm

    hahahahaohmyhahahahagodhahahahaithurtssomuch! Thank you SO much for posting your notes. I love this so much that it hurts, and pray that I never have to endure this crime against intestines. I can’t even stand gatorade, so there’s no way I can imagine (or would want to know) what drinking a gallon of electrolytes would be like.
    I heart your face, and I’m glad your husband isn’t the one pooping on the floor…

  2. The Sadder But Wiser Girl

    January 2, 2013 at 9:02 am

    My mom just had a colonoscopy this past week with less hilarious feedback. Perhaps this blog post should be required reading for everyone before they have the procedure. I figure I’m prepared when the time comes…

  3. momsnewstage

    January 5, 2013 at 3:58 pm

    This sounds awful, even though you did a great write-up. My mom just had one of those. I am not looking forward to this. Ugh. Visiting from Following the Funny link up!


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