These are my pipe dreams. What are yours?

07 Jan

Every once in a while, a ridiculously huge Powerball jackpot is drawn. I occasionally will buy a ticket just in case, but I never win. I know you are all just as shocked as I am. Isn’t it funny how when the jackpot gets huge, people like me who don’t normally play the lottery suddenly flock to throw their money in the pile? It’s gambling just like any slot machine or card game, but for some reason it’s much more tempting. I don’t mind tossing a couple bucks into the lottery now and then. It doesn’t usually pay out, but at least I get a few hours of entertainment imagining how I would spend my eleventy-bazillion dollars in winnings.

My first & most important duty would be to hire a lawyer, an accountant, a financial advisor, a cleaning service, and a private tutor (or tutors) for my kids. Probably not in that order though. I think the cleaning service would be first. Seriously, if I had $400+ million to throw around, I would not waste one minute of my time cleaning the bathroom. Ever again.

You might think I’d run out and buy a house, but I probably wouldn’t. We already failed once at home ownership; I am in no hurry to go down that road again. Plus I am reasonably happy with our current house and absolutely despise moving. Also we literally have the greatest landlord in the history of landlords. (Okay so I haven’t met all the landlords ever, but I’m fairly certain this is true).

Besides, why bother buying a house if you’re going to spend half your time traveling anyway? Here are some of the places I would take my family with our millions:
-Actually, pretty much all of Europe
-New Zealand
-India. (It would be much more fun than last time because we wouldn’t be there to work, and would get to see much more than just Mumbai.)
-We would visit our friends and family at least once a year. Seattle. Ohio. Denver. Minneapolis. Pittsburgh. Indianapolis. Dallas. England.
-I’d go to Orlando every other January for the NAVC so I could keep current on vet medicine and earn the education credits to maintain my vet tech license. But I’d go a week early or stay a week later so my family and I could go to Universal Studios, Bush Gardens, and maybe even Disney World.

We would fly first class whenever possible, charter a plane, or take the train. We would hire a limo service in all the big cities so we could all ride in the same car and never have to find parking. I’d hire one of our friends to stay with our pets when we were away, though of course we would bring the dogs with us whenever we could.

I would plan our time in England so we could see the Kaiser Chiefs in concert because they have never come anywhere near Fargo and probably never will. I would buy season tickets to Tottenham Hotspur so Ian could see them play whenever he wants. We’d have box seats at the Fargodome and the Redhawks. I’d give away the tickets for any event we didn’t want to attend because I believe it’s a great shame for box seats to be empty when there are people who want to attend the events but can’t afford tickets. I’d fund a professional production of Les Miserables in Fargo because I’ve always wanted to see it live, and there are never enough paying roles for the talented performers who live here. I would pay them a ridiculously high salary so they wouldn’t need to have other jobs while the show was running (unless they wanted to). Tickets would be cheap so anyone who wants to see the show could afford to see it.

I’d take guitar lessons. I’d go back to Tae Kwon Do. I’d take dance lessons (but private ones, so I wouldn’t feel self conscious about what a terrible dancer I am.) I’d get a professional massage every day. I would probably need one after pulling all my muscles at dance lessons anyway.

Of course I would buy STUFF. I would start by replacing both of our ancient, falling-apart, held-together-by-duct-tape vehicles with electric cars for city driving, and a hybrid for longer trips. I’d get myself a treadwall, and buy Ian that fancy stationary bike he wants. I’d have someone build us custom DVD shelves for our living room, and bookcases for the dining room/library. I’d replace all of our TVs with wall-mounted flat-screens. Big ones, obviously.

I would use several million dollars to open a low cost vet clinic in Fargo so low income families can afford basic preventative care for their pets: spay/neuter services obviously, but also annual exams, vaccines, bloodwork, and dental cleanings. The goal is not to take away business from the vet clinics, but to make these important services available to families who can’t afford them. This clinic would also be open evenings and weekends so that people who work during the day (like myself) can still volunteer. Since we would only do preventative care, our techs wouldn’t have to worry about the emotional burnout from euthanasia, emergency trauma patients, etc.

I’d donate a huge pile of money to the Red River Zoo so they can build enclosures for the lions and tigers and bears that patrons are always asking about. I would also donate to several of my favorite animal rescues so they can afford to keep doing what they do.

You might be surprised to observe that I did not say I would quit my job. I don’t know if I would; I really enjoy my job and like my coworkers, and I would miss them. After working multiple jobs for so long, I’d probably be bored any time we weren’t traveling if I didn’t have a job. I would probably consider cutting back to part-time, though, maybe just a couple of days a week, at least at first. And obviously take a lot of vacations.

But I would have to keep my foot in the door so I have somewhere to work again after I go bankrupt from spending all my millions.

What would you do?

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Posted by on January 7, 2013 in Family Life, Life in General


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