Rule number 31 of Zombieland

19 Feb

Sometimes weird things occur to you when you’re out doing completely random and unrelated errands. For example, the other day I was out grocery shopping. I only bought a few things so I just had one bag, and decided it wasn’t worth the effort to open the back door just to put one bag in there. However, when I reached across to set the bag on the passenger seat, I caught myself glancing at the backseat. Then I pictured the rules of Zombieland flashing up in front of me (RULE 31 – CHECK THE BACKSEAT) and realized I’m already partially prepared for the zombie apocalypse.

Here are some other rules that I already follow:

  • Rule #2. The Double Tap – I always apply this rule when it comes to insects and arachnids. I have yet to apply this rule to zombies, but if the time ever comes, I guarantee I will be certain the zombie is really-for-real-dead before even considering myself safe for the moment.
  • Rule #3. Beware of Bathrooms – when I was in elementary school, I formed a deep-seeded aversion to public bathrooms. Mostly owing to the fact that the bathrooms in our school were located in the back of the classroom, so if you had to go, you had to make the long walk of shame as all your classmates stared at you, knowing exactly what you were going to do. God forbid you had to go number two, because EVERYONE would know that you had just befouled the only bathroom. If I had known about the existence of Depends, I think I would have worn them every day in order to avoid ever using the bathroom at school.
  • Rule #4. Seatbelts – I have always been obnoxious about wearing seatbelts. Ask anyone who has ever ridden in a car with me. There’s no way I’m driving through Zombieland without my seatbelt buckled.
  • Rule #32. Enjoy the little things – Okay, I admit I am working on this one. On my good days, I follow this rule. On my bad days, not so much.

But it’s not all sunshine and roses and perfection. There are a couple of major rules I totally do not follow very well at all:

  • Rule #1. Cardio – I am terrible at this. I keep trying to make myself go to the gym but just can’t quite muster the motivation. One day I may get back into a routine, but for now it is a struggle. To encourage myself, I recently downloaded an app/game called “Zombies, Run!” which is so far working out to be pretty fun. If you like that kind of thing.
  • Rule #18. Limber up – I know I’m supposed to stretch and stuff before I exercise, but I usually don’t. Mostly because I’m lazy I guess, but I think Tallahassee put it best: “Do you ever see a lion limber up before he takes down a gazelle?” (I’m paraphrasing here. These might not be his exact words.)
  • Rule #7. Travel Light – This is the worst ever for me. I am a pack rat, so I like to have STUFF with me all the time. It will be extremely difficult to let go of all my stuff when the time comes to flee from the zombies. Getting rid of the baggage will be a challenge too. My baggage is what makes me who I am. But the hardest to let go of is the people. I am very attached to all my people, and I will not survive Zombieland without them.

How prepared are you for the zombie apocalypse?


Posted by on February 19, 2013 in Life in General, Schadenfreude for you


Tags: , , , ,

2 responses to “Rule number 31 of Zombieland

  1. fargojones

    February 19, 2013 at 10:50 pm

    Wife and I will be completely screwed during the zombie apocalypse.

    • karifur

      February 20, 2013 at 4:41 pm

      My son laughed at my comment re: rule number 7. He said “So, even after your friends and family are dead, will you be dragging their corpses around with you?”. I thought about it for a moment and decided that yes, I would. Because then I would have something to distract the zombies with while I run away.


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