Kids: Nature’s Petri dishes OR The solution to the unemployment problem?

10 Apr

You know how they make those tablets that turn all the plaque in your mouth pink if you chew them up?

I was just thinking. What if there was a product like that, but that worked on skin? So before your kids take a bath or shower, a spritzer would cover them with this magical solution that would turn all the dirt on their skin some hideous color (which is easily removed by proper showering).

Then if the kids don’t wash properly, they have to walk around at school all day with bright pink or mustard-yellow (or whatever color would be most embarrassing to them) stains behind their ears or whatever? I suggested this to my older teenager and he thought it was a great idea, so I’m sure it would be widely accepted by children everywhere. He suggested colors such as vomit green, charcoal black, and diarrhea brown might be most effective.

With this product, you would definitely know if they just went into the bathroom and turned on the shower but never actually got in, or if they just got in long enough to get their hair wet so it would LOOK like they might have had a shower, or if they got themselves wet but didn’t actually use soap at all, or whatever tricks YOUR kids pull to try and get out of taking a shower so they can continue to improve upon their natural bouquet until it reaches a level which will cause flowers to wilt whenever they walk past.

The way some kids react to the suggestion of bathtime, I sometimes wonder if children have a psychic connections with their microbes and when you wash them off, instead of being relieved, it feels a little more like this that scene in The Nightmare Before Christmas where Oogie Boogie comes apart and you find out he’s just a burlap sack full of nasty bugs and they all start to fall apart, crying out in unison “My bugs! My bugs!” Until there’s only one left squeaking “my bugs” in its itty bitty voice and Santa squashes it with his impossibly tiny foot.* I often suspect the secret goal of many teenagers is to build up an army of external microbes that would keep an entire country full of Microbiologists working around the clock for decades just to document all the new species they have discovered. Perhaps one of them holds the secret to unlocking the cure for cancer.

Anyway, back to my idea. This body filth disclosing solution is brilliant, but I’m no chemical engineer. Someone get on that right away. Mmkay?

* If you have never seen Nightmare Before Christmas, what in the name of all things holy is the matter with you? I don’t even feel bad for spoiling it because that is just wrong. But just in case you don’t know the scene I’m talking about:

Click here to watch it on the youtubes


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6 responses to “Kids: Nature’s Petri dishes OR The solution to the unemployment problem?

  1. JoAnna

    April 11, 2013 at 1:10 pm

    There is actually something like that – when I was training for a job at a nursing home as a teen, they had us rub this special lotion all over our hands, and then wash our hands. Then they put our hands under a black light, and any lotion that hasn’t been washed off was all glowy. It was meant to how us that we weren’t as thorough as we thought when it came to hand washing.

    • karifur

      April 11, 2013 at 4:13 pm

      Oh yeah, I forgot about that stuff! But that still doesn’t quite tick all boxes for me – it should be immediately visible without any special lighting, so then if you missed a spot, you would see it right away.

  2. fargojones

    April 14, 2013 at 8:27 pm

    Not sure about the gross colors unless you are aiming to get kids into OCD levels of scrubbing; “must get all the diarrhea, must get all the diarrhea…” Otherwise, yes!

    • karifur

      April 15, 2013 at 8:25 am

      Not to speak lightly of OCD, but if you had ever smelled my son, you would find it to be preferable.

  3. Andria

    April 18, 2013 at 3:19 pm

    I have to say, the act of showering holds little appeal to me. Sure, I bathe daily, because I hate the feeling of being unwashed, but if I didn’t hate that feeling, I’d totally skip it. I never felt dirty when I was a kid, so I totally get the bathtime loathing.

    One of the truest things an ex-boyfriend said to me once as: The only thing I hate more than showering, is not showering.

    • karifur

      April 19, 2013 at 9:37 am

      I’m with you there. I enjoy a nice relaxing bath but am not a fan of showers.
      But when a person starts to smell like an onion or an unflushed toilet, I think it’s definitely time to take a shower. I know some kids who are unphased by this.


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