Shortly after I did the zombie 5k earlier this year, a couple of my friends invited me to join a Facebook group full of other badass ladies with a similar devotion to bettering ourselves. I have never really been much of a participant in groups before, but these ladies are so darned awesome and supportive that I look forward to every post in the group. The other day*, someone asked for yoga video recommendations and one of the workouts mentioned happened to be a Jillian Michaels dvd. That’s right, friends. Jillian Michaels. Yoga.
I have always felt yoga was a calming and passive form of exercise. I can’t imagine a person who embodies that ideal less than Jillian Michaels. I’ll be totally honest, I’m kind of afraid of her. I couldn’t resist amusing myself and some of the ladies in the group by imagining yoga with Jillian Michaels would go. I meant to share it woth all of your too but got distracted by shiny things and squirrels etc. Better late than never right?
Jillian’s Yoga Shred
[Imagine the sort of calm, soothing voice that seems traditional for a yoga instructor] Aaaand now we’re going to do the sun salutation.
1. Stand with your feet together and place your hands in the prayer position in front of your chest.
[Imagine shouty Jillian voice] AND YOU’LL BE PRAYING FOR MERCY BY THE TIME I’M DONE WITH YOU!
Make sure your weight is evenly distributed over both feet. Exhale.
2. While inhaling, stretch your arms up and arch back from your waist, keeping your legs straight and pushing your hips forward. Relax your neck.
BUT NOT TOO MUCH. RELAXING IS FOR LOSERS! AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT.
3. While exhaling, bend forward and press your palms flat down with your fingers pointed forward, keeping your fingers aligned with your toes – bend your knees if you need to do so.
NEVERMIND YOU DON’T GET TO BEND YOUR KNEES, DO IT THE RIGHT WAY, C’MON YOU CAN STRETCH BETTER THAN THAT.
4. Inhaling, pull one leg back and place your knee on the floor. Arch your back and look up towards the sky.
LOOK UP! YOU HAVEN’T LIFTED ALL YOUR CHINS YET, COME ON, GET THAT SECOND AND THIRD CHIN UP, FATTY.
5. While holding in your breath, bring the other leg back, supporting your weight on your hands and toes.
HEY, DID I SAY YOU COULD PASS OUT? THERE WILL BE NONE OF THAT NONSENSE ON MY WATCH.
6. While exhaling, lower your knees, then your chest and then your forehead…NO IT IS NOT NAPTIME, KEEP MOVING, YOU’RE ONLY HALF DONE …keeping your hips up and your toes curled under.
7. As you inhale, lower your hips, point your toes and bend back. Keep your legs together and your shoulders down. Tip your head back and look up.
DON’T LOOK SO DESPERATE, NO ONE IS GOING TO COME DOWN FROM HEAVEN TO SAVE YOU.
8. While exhaling, curl your toes under, raise your hips and pivot into an inverted “V” shape. Try to push your heels and head down and keep your shoulders back.
DIDN’T YOU HEAR ME I SAID PUSH WHY AREN’T YOU PUSHING?! DID I SAY TRY BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH PUSH PUSH PUSHPUSHPUSH!
9. Inhaling, step forward and place your hands on either side of one foot. Rest the other knee on the floor and look up, as in position 4.
10. As you exhale, bring your other leg forward and bend down at the waist, keeping your palms down flat, fingers forward as in position 3.
WAIT, ARE YOU GOING TO THROW UP? DON’T BE SUCH A WIMP, YOU CAN HANDLE THIS. NO PUKING! CHOKE IT BACK!
11. **black out** WAKE UP, YOU CAN’T QUIT WHEN YOU ARE SO CLOSE TO THE END!
12. Exhaling, gently return to a standing position and let your arms hang down by your sides.
NOW DO IT 75 MORE TIMES YOU FAT LAZY BUM
*Hilariously, Swype tried to change this from “the other day” to “the other fatty”. I find this especially amusing considering I was in the midst of typing about a fitness-related Facebook group.
** The detailed descriptions of each step of the Sun Salutation were modified from the following link because I don’t have the foggiest idea how to do the sun salutation unless someone else is telling me what to do. If you actually want to learn how to do the sun salutation, I suggest you visit this website because I really don’t know what the hell I’m talking about: http://www.sivananda.org/teachings/asana/sun-salutation. It also has pictures.